Been a while since I wrote anything here. Certainly not for lack of anything to say, but certainly due to lack of time to say anything. So much has changed this past year. Around this time each year I reflect on the lyrics to Lennon’s iconic song. “And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over; a new one just begun.”
What have I done? What direction am I moving towards? Is this where I want to go? What good have I done? How have I made this place better because i was here?
For too many years I didn’t like the answers to these questions. Perhaps for the first time in a long time I do not dislike the answers I have come up with. Sometimes my personal journals may contradict what I just said, but then again I often use my journals to vent the negativity from my body to prevent it from damaging my spirit. Naturally such negativity does not reflect my wholeness, but only the part that is selfish, lazy and irresponsible. Change requires courage, commitment, responsibility and learning. Staying the same would be so much easier, but without change the world would not have butterflies and I would still be drunk and suicidal.
And so this is Christmas; what have I done?
I went and got myself engaged, a full-time job, a new apartment, a new car, some new friends. a Kindle and news shoes. I planned my own wedding and was the best man in my nest friend’s wedding. I changed my applauding habit so now I clap with my left hand above my right (just to try something new). I bought some book shelves. Gave away a bunch of my magic supplies. Wrote a new theatre magic show and have no intention of performing it. I started teaching magic classes again. I became Catholic. I bought some Christmas presents. I have a new band. I walked quickly through the grocery store.
I did many more things but that’s all I can think of at the moment. My lap top is about to run our of power, and I really don’t feel like plugging it in right now. I will type all that I can before the power runs out, So if this ends at an odd moment please understand.
What happened to everything else? What happened to my other thoughts and actions> Where did they go? They are still here in this blog and in my journals, but month after month, year after year, new thoughts take over and I am swept away to different places. What happened to Herb? What happened to the bicycle? What happened to China? What happened to the book? What happened to the show? How did I end up in a classroom? How did I end up on this couch in this apartment in this town?
It all stands on what came before it. It all came from the prayers I said silently and screamed out loud to myself and to God. They are answers. Certainly not what i was expecting. But certainly grateful just the same.
I no longer care for my own thoughts for thy don’t really matter. All that really matters is that I live. And that I Am.
Another year over and a new one’s just begun.
Merry Christmas.
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